Sunday, February 10, 2008

Ok.


I'm not crazy. I'm really not.


Well, maybe I am. I feel like I am though. Why?


Because its been a month and some change since my homie Keith passed and for some reason I still can't wrap my mind around it. It absloutely mind boggling. After talking to a couple of my Wondaland Arts peeps, especially my conversation with Emily. I have found that my reaction has a lot to do with deep seeded issues that I need to confront.

A serious self evaluation needs to be made. For me writing my words out helps to sort various things out and so this shall be my first step. Publicly. Who cares though, right?

I don't know. For me, the hardest thing to really understand is how life somehow goes on. I have heard time and time again, that life goes on. But when dealing with actual life and death. The statement changes meaning. In my mind I am consistently asking the powers that be, "What do you mean life just goes on?" "How does that work?" "How is that fair?" & most of all "How is that humane?"

The fact that you can just die and life can simply just go on is whack [the first word that came to mind]. It is whack to the millionth power. Keith dies and everyone is Soul II Soul.... "back to life, back to reality."


Wow. Just typing that very thought makes me flustered. Extremly unreal.


SO.... bear with me. There is a point.


Harsh realizations like the fact that life goes on has got me into a deep thought process. If life goes on for other people after we depart this world. Then we must do something to be remembered long after we are gone. If we don't we are just fading memories only valid in the lives of those that really knew us. I might be next. Don't ask me why I think that. But I do. Who knew that Keith was going to leave so damn early. I could very well be next. Then what?

I told you I might be crazy.

What are people going to say about me? The sad thing is I really don't know. And that bothers me. I would like to know that when I lay my head down to rest in peace I will have touched the masses, created a legacy and made my loved ones proud.

I try not to vocalize these fears because everyone around me has experienced death in one way or another and some even worst but this was my first real experience. And I do not look forward to anymore. To say these things out loud to people feels like I am whining. Like someone in the crowd will randomly tell me to shut the hell up because life goes on. Deal with it.

I'm trying to.

No comments: